Glossary of Election Terms

absentee ballot

A form of voting that does not involve the inconvenience of having to get up off the couch and walk to a high school gymnasium.

ballot

An object recording a voter's decision that is frequently counted toward an election's outcome.

caucus

The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa's existence.

convention

The best four-day-long chance a politically active, overweight Kia salesman from Tulsa has to nail one of them blond Fox anchors.

delegate

A demented, often screaming individual who experiences intense arousal at the sight of a vertically printed placard bearing his or her state's name.

democracy

A moderately representative plutocracy.

Diebold voting machine

A sophisticated, computerized balloting terminal that electronically changes your vote into a vote for Mitt Romney.

election worker

A male or female at least 70 years of age.

electoral college

A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most important seven or eight.

lobbyist

A better-paid legislator.

MoveOn.org

A company offering routine tests of your e-mail's spam filter.

platform

A list of the subjects that candidates are willing to discuss.

political consultants

Individuals who are very savvy politically, but don't have enough hair to run for office themselves.

political philosophy, conservative

A great way to meet chicks at Princeton University.

political philosophy, liberal

An ideology steeped in a proud tradition of ineffectual whining.

pollster

A person who willingly communicates with the elderly.

Rock The Vote

Something that is, apparently, still happening.

voter apathy

The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office.